How Therapy Helps Couples with Mismatched Needs
In every marriage, there will be differences. One person might want more closeness, the other more space. One might crave regular communication, while the other feels overwhelmed by emotional conversations.
These differences aren’t wrong—they’re human. But when those needs start to feel incompatible, tension and resentment often grow. You may find yourselves saying things like:
“I just need more from you, and you don’t get it.”
“I feel smothered every time we talk about emotions.”
“Why am I always the one asking for time together?”
“Why can’t you just let things be okay for once?”
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. At The Marriage Workshop, we often work with couples whose needs seem fundamentally mismatched. The good news? You don’t need to become the same person to feel connected. But you do need a better way to understand and respond to each other’s emotional world.
What Causes Mismatched Needs in Marriage?
Mismatched needs aren’t just about personality. They’re often shaped by a mix of early life experiences, attachment patterns, relational wounds, and even beliefs about love and safety.
Some common mismatches in marriage include:
One partner wants more emotional intimacy; the other prefers surface-level interaction
One needs regular physical affection; the other feels pressured by touch
One seeks frequent verbal affirmation; the other shows love through actions
One wants problem-solving; the other wants to process feelings
One partner avoids conflict; the other needs to “talk it out” right away
These differences can feel personal—but they’re usually not. They’re protective strategies developed over time. Without understanding them, though, they become sources of frustration and disconnection.
Why Mismatched Needs Lead to Cycles of Hurt
Here’s how this dynamic often plays out:
One partner expresses a need → The other feels inadequate or overwhelmed
That partner shuts down or withdraws → The first partner feels rejected and pushes harder
Both feel misunderstood, and the emotional distance grows
This cycle reinforces itself—each person reacting to the other’s behavior rather than the need underneath it. Over time, both partners feel like they’re failing each other, even if their intentions are good.
How Therapy Creates a Bridge Between Different Needs
At The Marriage Workshop, we use emotionally focused therapy (EFT) to help couples understand these patterns and reshape them into connection. In therapy, mismatched needs aren’t seen as problems to fix—but as invitations to deeper understanding and secure bonding.
Here’s how therapy helps:
Identifying the emotional logic behind each partner’s needs and behaviors
Reframing the cycle so it’s not “you vs. me,” but “us vs. the pattern”
Practicing vulnerability, so partners can express their needs without blame or fear
Building responsiveness, so both people feel seen—even if their needs are different
Instead of focusing on “who’s right,” we focus on what each person is really asking for—safety, love, acceptance, or connection.
A Christian Perspective on Navigating Different Needs
Christian marriage invites us to love each other as Christ loves us—not just in shared joy, but in patient understanding of our differences. Philippians 2:4 reminds us to look not only to our own interests, but also to the interests of our spouse.
That doesn’t mean abandoning your needs or silencing your pain. It means approaching each other with humility and curiosity, asking:
“What’s going on inside you right now?”
“How can I support you—even if I don’t fully understand?”
“How do we grow together, rather than apart?”
Through Christian counseling, we guide couples toward emotional and spiritual attunement—where grace, truth, and practical change can coexist.
There’s Room for Both of You
Different needs don’t have to divide you. In fact, when explored with care, they can deepen your relationship. The goal isn’t to erase differences—it’s to create a marriage where both partners feel emotionally safe, seen, and supported.
At The Marriage Workshop, we help couples across Missouri—both in-person in Springfield and Lake Ozark, and online—navigate the complexity of mismatched emotional needs with clarity, compassion, and faith.
Learn more about our marriage counseling and Christian couples therapy approach, and how it can help you stop spinning in cycles and start building connection.
Ready to begin? Book your free consult today. There’s still room for both of you in this relationship—and we can help you find your way back to each other.
