How to Fix a Broken Marriage
People often wonder if there is a "point of no return" for relationships. The honest answer is likely yes. We all have different capacities and histories that impact our ability to make a comeback from relational hurts. That being said, relationships that feel dead can have life again. As human beings we are wired to respond to emotional provocation and we are wired to keep others close. It is important to remember that relationships that feel lifeless got that way over time and it will take time to rebuild. Allowing each other the time and space to heal is critical to putting pieces back together, but it most certainly can be done. So what does healing look like?
To fix a broken marriage it begins with understanding how you became disconnected. Understanding the cycles of disconnection that progressed in your marriage over time is key. How you and your spouse protected yourselves and how that contributed to the distance and conflict between you. That sounds simple but it is hard work! It’s holding both that you were hurt but also that your spouse was hurt. And then allowing yourself to hold that it maybe wasn’t all your spouses fault or not all your fault. It will take both of you prioritizing the marriage in order to heal.
The second step to fix a broken marriage involves some self-work. In this step couples grapple with who they are as individuals and the fear that surrounds the way they view themselves. This is the part of self they have been protecting possibly even before the marriage. The feeling of vulnerability and pain is usually linked to past relational trauma that can go back even further than the relationship. Taking the risk to share these parts of self with a spouse is where bonding begins. This work evokes emotional responses that begin transforming the way the couple views them selves and each other.
The last part to fix a broken marriage is addressing any injuries in the relationship, any betrayals or significant moments that either spouse in the marriage felt abandoned or unwanted by each other. This is where repair begins for a couple that has already learned to engage and care about each other's needs. It leaves no areas for unresolved hurt or fear in the relationship.
Couples who are willing to put the work in can repair the most lifeless of marriages. I often remind clients that restoring a marriage is hard work but divorce is also hard and painful and can have years of repercussions to deal with. It is not unlikely that a couple who feels as though their marriage is, “lifeless,” will need help navigating the road to repair. Marriage counseling takes commitment but it is an investment in your marriage that will change the coarse of your relationship.
If you are wondering if your marriage is in need of marriage counseling. We encourage you to try our Marriage Strength Assessment. This non clinical assessment is designed to help you identify whether your marriage is accessible, responsive, and engaged, these are three known traits of a secure marriage. The assessment then makes recommendations on best next steps for your marriage. Get the assessment here.
