The Problem with Avoiding Conflict
For many couples, conflict feels like something to fear. Maybe you were raised in a home where disagreements turned into shouting matches. Or perhaps you’ve seen how unchecked conflict can lead to distance—or even divorce.
So you learn to keep the peace. You stay quiet. You let things go. You tell yourself, “It’s not worth the fight.”
But over time, avoiding conflict doesn’t protect your marriage. It slowly disconnects it.
At The Marriage Workshop, we often work with couples who don’t argue much—but who also don’t feel close. The truth is: conflict, when handled well, can be a gateway to intimacy. The real danger isn’t fighting—it’s silence.
Why Couples Avoid Conflict in the First Place
Avoiding conflict is often a self-protective strategy. Most people who steer clear of confrontation aren’t trying to harm the relationship—they’re trying to preserve it.
Common reasons couples avoid conflict include:
Fear of making things worse
Belief that emotions are “too much” or “too messy”
Family patterns where disagreement was unsafe or punished
Shame around expressing needs or disappointment
Exhaustion from past unresolved arguments
While the motivation may be understandable, the result is emotional distance, unmet needs, and growing resentment under the surface.
What Happens When Conflict Gets Suppressed
When couples avoid conflict, small issues build up. Needs go unspoken. Frustrations fester. And intimacy suffers.
Some common side effects of chronic conflict avoidance include:
Feeling more like roommates than partners
Lack of emotional or physical closeness
Passive-aggressive communication
Sudden emotional “blowups” after weeks of quiet
Resentment that eventually outweighs affection
You might think you’re keeping the peace, but what you’re really doing is avoiding connection. Real intimacy requires truth—and that includes the hard parts.
Healthy Conflict Builds Safety, Not Division
Contrary to what many people believe, healthy conflict can actually deepen love. When partners learn to express disagreement in a safe, respectful way, they grow in emotional security and trust.
At The Marriage Workshop, we help couples learn how to:
Name their needs without blame
Stay emotionally present during disagreement
Understand what conflict is really about (often deeper fears, not surface frustrations)
Move from defensiveness to curiosity
Repair after rupture and reconnect
Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is especially effective for couples who’ve avoided conflict for too long. We focus on breaking the cycle of silence and helping both partners feel safe enough to speak and be heard.
A Christian View of Conflict in Marriage
Some Christian couples believe that conflict signals spiritual failure—that if their faith were strong enough, they’d never argue. But Scripture shows us something different.
The Bible is full of honest, heartfelt conflict: between spouses, families, disciples, and even with God. What matters isn’t whether conflict happens—it’s how we handle it.
Ephesians 4:15 urges us to speak the truth in love. That’s the heart of healthy conflict in marriage: truth that’s honest, and love that’s steadfast.
Avoiding conflict may feel like peacekeeping—but real peace comes through truth, repentance, grace, and connection. Christian counseling invites both partners into this kind of transformation.
You Can Learn to Navigate Conflict—Together
If you and your spouse tend to avoid conflict, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. You may just need new tools, a safer emotional environment, and a guide to help you reconnect.
At The Marriage Workshop, we offer marriage counseling and Christian couples counseling in Springfield, Lake Ozark, and online throughout Missouri. Our approach helps couples find their voice, listen with empathy, and rebuild intimacy that doesn’t require silence to survive.
Avoiding conflict may have kept things quiet—but it doesn’t have to keep you apart.
Book a free consult and let’s work together to turn avoidance into understanding, and tension into connection.
